Snow White and Seven Men – Chapter Six

Snow White had agreed to go back inside the cess pit that the men called a home, but under the strict condition that they scrubbed that place from top to bottom, washed the dishes, wiped the sides, scrubbed the floors, burned any skid mark-containing underpants and washed the rest, removed all cobwebs and bleached the chamber pot like it had never been bleached before (It turned out it had never been bleached before). The men did this whilst Snow White watched and explained to them that although she had never needed to learn how to do these things, she had learned that these were things that needed doing, and as paupers with no one to do these things for them they should know this and hence she was judging them. Grumpy swore in response a lot, Doc shushed him, Happy grinned like a buffoon, as did Dopey, Bashful kept offering to clean whichever room the princess was not in, Sneezy begged to be reprieved from dusting, and Sleepy insisting on cleaning the bedroom. Fluffy bunnies and squirrels and cute little dicky birds swarmed around the house helping. The fluffy bunnies chewed through kitchen cupboards, the squirrels gathered up remnants of rotting food and hid it in the bunnies’ holes, and the dicky birdies shat on the newly clean work surfaces. Snow White finally despaired and shooed them all out cursing and yelling threats of pest exterminators. She swiftly ran around the house slamming all of the window shutters to keep the little bastards out.

‘So, let me guess this straight,’ she said as the boys worked hard. ‘You’re called Grumpy.’

‘Yes,’ snarled Grumpy.

‘And you’re Grumpy.’

‘I am right now,’ he snarled.

‘Are you Grumpy because you’re called Grumpy? Or are you called Grumpy because you were a Grumpy baby? Or is it just a happy coincidence?’ she continued.

‘I’m just called Grumpy,’ he snapped.

‘And you, Happy, were you a happy baby?’

‘I don’t know,’ he grinned. ‘I guess so. What do babies have to be sad about? Apart from all those childhood diseases I mean.’

‘Hmmm… And Sneezy, what’s with that? Do you have allergies?’

‘Maybe… I guess. I’ve never really thought about it… I’ve just always Sneezed’

‘And your mother never thought to take you to see a doctor?’ Snow White was horrified.

‘For a Sneeze? ACHOO!’ Sneezy was incredulous.

‘For chronic sneezing!’ Snow White was getting frustrated. ‘Sleepy I’d have probably named Lazy if it were down to me. He strikes me as a lazy little bastard, he doesn’t even try to stay awake!’ Snow White was very good at judging. ‘And poor Dopey! That’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy right there! Poor dopey thing.’ Dopey beamed at her merrily, spraying furniture polish in his ear. ‘And Doc, what about your name?’

‘It’s just a name, princess, I really do think you’re overthinking this.’

‘You’re all named after adjectives that perfectly describe your personalities, one of you clearly has a medical condition, two if you argue that Sleepy may have narcolepsy, and one is a complete moron! And none of you have ever thought to question how weird this is?!’

‘NO!’ they all yelled in unison.

‘My head hurts,’ muttered Snow White. She went outside to lie down on the path.

When she awoke the house was glistening from cleanliness. A cloud of dust surrounded the little building, being slowly carried off by the wind. ‘Wow,’ thought Snow White, ‘that was really minging.’ She went into her new home, and to her surprise she found that she wasn’t afraid to sit on one of the rickety little chairs or to drink the tea that they offered her. ‘Now then,’ she said as she looked around the room, ‘isn’t this better boys.’ They all nodded in agreement. Apart from Sleepy who was still ‘cleaning’ the bedroom. ‘I think we’ll be very happy living together,’ she squealed. Grumpy guffawed. Snow White ignored him.


Snow White and Seven Men – Chapter Five

Back at the palace the Wicked Queen was ecstatically burning Snow White’s possessions. She summoned the town crier and whilst waiting for him to arrive tried to force a tear or two. Eventually she plucked some nose hairs which made her eyes water as well as causing some swears to be ejaculated.

‘Your Majesty?’ said the town crier coyly as slipped through the Royal Throne Room doors. He bowed and grovelled at the Wicked Queen’s feet.

‘Town crier, I have some… devastating news. Go forth into the kingdom and make the terrible announcement of Snow White’s death.’

‘Oh, Your Majesty! What happened?’

‘It is as yet unclear. Most likely a bear from the woods. The Royal Huntsman fought bravely to save her, but alas, all he could salvage was her heart. I know the peasants will find this news difficult to bear, so I suggest that in order to deal with their grief, they continue with their lives as normal. No time off work, no public mourning, no holiday. They should distract themselves with routine.’

‘But how, Your Majesty? The kingdom loves the princess!’

‘Tough! She is dead! They must love me instead!’

‘Of course, Your Majesty. They love you too, I’m sure. It’s just-‘

‘Go! Spread the word. And I shall not hear of anyone mourning, is that clear?’

‘Of course, Your Majesty,’ and the town crier grovelled backwards out of the Royal Throne Room.

The Wicked Queen continued with her merry burning frenzy, and moved onto the possessions of her late husband and Snow White’s mother. ‘Must get rid of all their shite too,’ she said gleefully. In the late Queen’s old dressing room gowns and jewels gathered dust, along with her many other possessions that had been stored in there since the King’s remarriage. At the back of the room, just as every Queen needs, was a full length mirror, ornately framed by thick ribbons of gold twisting around one another. The Wicked Queen tilted it towards her. ‘Perhaps this can stay,’ she said to herself, ‘this is fancy enough for the most beautiful woman in the kingdom to admire herself. Far too fancy for that hag he married first.’ For a moment the Wicked Queen thought she saw an the mirror glow eerily, and then she realised that that was a ridiculous thing to think, and gazed at herself adoringly. She summoned the Royal Furniture Mover to relocate the mirror to the Wicked Queen’s plush dressing room.