Snow White had agreed to go back inside the cess pit that the men called a home, but under the strict condition that they scrubbed that place from top to bottom, washed the dishes, wiped the sides, scrubbed the floors, burned any skid mark-containing underpants and washed the rest, removed all cobwebs and bleached the chamber pot like it had never been bleached before (It turned out it had never been bleached before). The men did this whilst Snow White watched and explained to them that although she had never needed to learn how to do these things, she had learned that these were things that needed doing, and as paupers with no one to do these things for them they should know this and hence she was judging them. Grumpy swore in response a lot, Doc shushed him, Happy grinned like a buffoon, as did Dopey, Bashful kept offering to clean whichever room the princess was not in, Sneezy begged to be reprieved from dusting, and Sleepy insisting on cleaning the bedroom. Fluffy bunnies and squirrels and cute little dicky birds swarmed around the house helping. The fluffy bunnies chewed through kitchen cupboards, the squirrels gathered up remnants of rotting food and hid it in the bunnies’ holes, and the dicky birdies shat on the newly clean work surfaces. Snow White finally despaired and shooed them all out cursing and yelling threats of pest exterminators. She swiftly ran around the house slamming all of the window shutters to keep the little bastards out.
‘So, let me guess this straight,’ she said as the boys worked hard. ‘You’re called Grumpy.’
‘Yes,’ snarled Grumpy.
‘And you’re Grumpy.’
‘I am right now,’ he snarled.
‘Are you Grumpy because you’re called Grumpy? Or are you called Grumpy because you were a Grumpy baby? Or is it just a happy coincidence?’ she continued.
‘I’m just called Grumpy,’ he snapped.
‘And you, Happy, were you a happy baby?’
‘I don’t know,’ he grinned. ‘I guess so. What do babies have to be sad about? Apart from all those childhood diseases I mean.’
‘Hmmm… And Sneezy, what’s with that? Do you have allergies?’
‘Maybe… I guess. I’ve never really thought about it… I’ve just always Sneezed’
‘And your mother never thought to take you to see a doctor?’ Snow White was horrified.
‘For a Sneeze? ACHOO!’ Sneezy was incredulous.
‘For chronic sneezing!’ Snow White was getting frustrated. ‘Sleepy I’d have probably named Lazy if it were down to me. He strikes me as a lazy little bastard, he doesn’t even try to stay awake!’ Snow White was very good at judging. ‘And poor Dopey! That’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy right there! Poor dopey thing.’ Dopey beamed at her merrily, spraying furniture polish in his ear. ‘And Doc, what about your name?’
‘It’s just a name, princess, I really do think you’re overthinking this.’
‘You’re all named after adjectives that perfectly describe your personalities, one of you clearly has a medical condition, two if you argue that Sleepy may have narcolepsy, and one is a complete moron! And none of you have ever thought to question how weird this is?!’
‘NO!’ they all yelled in unison.
‘My head hurts,’ muttered Snow White. She went outside to lie down on the path.
When she awoke the house was glistening from cleanliness. A cloud of dust surrounded the little building, being slowly carried off by the wind. ‘Wow,’ thought Snow White, ‘that was really minging.’ She went into her new home, and to her surprise she found that she wasn’t afraid to sit on one of the rickety little chairs or to drink the tea that they offered her. ‘Now then,’ she said as she looked around the room, ‘isn’t this better boys.’ They all nodded in agreement. Apart from Sleepy who was still ‘cleaning’ the bedroom. ‘I think we’ll be very happy living together,’ she squealed. Grumpy guffawed. Snow White ignored him.