Snow White and Seven Men – Chapter Nine

Snow White had managed to get the men to purchase some books from the town for her. She was pleased about this as they were quite uneducated and it was nice for Snow White to be able to slip away into storybook land and have a break from judging them. One day, when the gents were out shopping and having a break from Snow White and her delightful judging, Snow White was enjoying a thoroughly good read, a cup of tea and a scone. Suddenly there came a rap at the door, RATATAT TAT! ‘Oh,’ gasped Snow White. ‘Who could that be? Even though I’m in hiding, I’d best answer the door.’ Snow White was good at many things, but hiding was not one of them. She opened the door, just a crack.

‘Hello, deary,’ said a wizened old woman. She was dressed all in black, her back hunched so much she was almost bent double, a hood pulled over her head from where tattered grey hair and a long hooked nose sprouted. She smiled a toothless grin.

‘Why, it’s just an old hag,’ thought Snow White delightedly, ‘she’ll be no harm at all!’ She flung open the door.

‘Would you like to come in, lady?’ she asked for Snow White was very kind.

‘No thank you,’ came the croaky reply, ‘I’m just an old hag, hawking my wares,’ she explained.

‘Well, what are your wares?’ asked the princess.

‘I have one ware left,’ said the old woman reaching into the wicker basket draped over her right elbow. She produced a beautiful red apple. ‘Would you like to buy it?’ she asked.

‘Well it looks awfully juicy, but I’m afraid I’ve no money. As you can see by my modest home, I’m frightfully poor.’ Snow White was cunning and wanted to throw her off the scent by pointing out how poor she was, and therefore not a princess, just in case the old hag had recognised her.

‘Not to worry sweetie,’ said the old hag kindly, ‘I’ve sold all my wares for today. If I don’t sell this last apple it will go bad and I’ll have to throw it away. You can have it. There’s no charge for a pretty young thing like you.’

‘How kind,’ said Snow White excitedly. She loved a bargain. She took the apple from the lady’s crooked hands and breathed on it, then cleaned it on her frock.

‘That’s right, deary, you take a bite. Seeing you enjoy its sweet taste is payment enough.’ Snow White slowly sank her teeth into its shiny red flesh, apparently not perturbed by the old lady’s obvious lack of hygiene. The old hag leaned in eagerly, watching as Snow White munched away. Snow White began to cough. She dropped the rest of the apple, and clutched her stomach like someone who had been kicked beneath their ribs. ‘What’s happening?’ She cried. ‘I feel awful!’

‘Oh sweetie, don’t you worry your pretty head about that,’ said the old hag in a comforting voice. Snow White dropped to the floor and there she lay, lifeless. The old woman burst into a cackle. The most hysterical, rapturous laugh that would have made your blood run cold had you heard it. She pulled back her hood, her grey tendrils and hooked nose melted away to reveal the Wicked Queen (for she was a magical Queen). She left the little shack and headed back to the castle, still laughing at her little joke when she plonked herself down on her Royal Throne.


Snow White and Seven Men – Chapter Eight

The Wicked Queen reigned her kingdom with an iron fist. The entire kingdom was terrified of from whence her next beheading may appear. They grieved the loss of their princess, Snow White, for they saw that it was her presence that had kept the Wicked Queen from showing the full extent of her true wicked colours. But should the Wicked Queen hear any signs of grief for their perfect princess she would order a National Day of Beheading, so inwardly they wept, whilst going about their daily routine as had been ordered by the Wicked Queen.

The Wicked Queen knew she wasn’t a popular queen. She couldn’t fully understand why this was as she was so incredibly beautiful, and what more did a woman need? One evening, as she was brushing her long dark hair 1000 times as she did every night before bed, and admiring herself in the golden mirror she sighed. ‘Mirror mirror on the wall,’ she whispered, ‘who’s the fairest of them all…?’ To her surprise, the mirror started to glow. Brighter and brighter it glowed, emitting an eerie green light. Suddenly there was a great flash, and the Wicked Queen was looking into eyes that were not her own. A ghost-like androgynous face had appeared in the mirror. It spoke. ‘Your Majesty,’ the Wicked Queen was startled,’ there is one fairer than thou art.’

‘Lies!’ spat the Wicked Queen. ‘Who could possible be fairer than I? Look at me!’ It should be noted that the Wicked Queen was more shocked by the mirror’s revelation than by the mirrors ability to make a revelation.

‘Her lips are ruby red, her hair is black as ebony,’ the Wicked Queen stiffened.

‘No, don’t say it.’

‘Her skin is white as snow,’ continued the mirror.

‘Snow White,’ the Wicked Queen and the mirror uttered together.

‘No! Snow White is dead. You are a fool, mirror. You know nothing. Leave me now,’ the Wicked Queen commanded.

‘Know this,’ said the mirror in a hushed voice, ’you have been tricked, Your Majesty. You are not the fairest in the land for Snow White lives.’

‘I have her heart!’ bellowed the Wicked Queen.

‘You have the heart of a sow,’ scoffed the mirror. The Wicked Queen processed what the mirror had said.

‘Nooooooooooooooooo!’ she screamed. ‘Fetch me the Royal Huntsman!’ No one dared tell the Wicked Queen that the Royal Huntsman had run away after Snow White’s death. Finally, having drawn the short straw, the Royal Chef arrived, quivering and cowering. ‘Your M-M-M-Majesty,’ he stammered, ‘the Royal Huntsman is m-m-m-missing.’

‘Of course he is,’ sighed an exasperated Wicked Queen. ‘If you want something doing, do it yourself, as they say.’

Snow White And Seven Men – Chapter Seven

Fortunately, this all happened on a Friday, and so they had had the whole weekend to recover from working so hard long into the night, and to bond and chatter and answer Snow White charmingly inquisitive questions like ‘why did none of you ever think to question where your names came from,’ and ‘didn’t you think Grumpy was an odd choice of name for a precious new baby,’ and ‘do all normal people live like you?’ It was great fun.

Nevertheless, the chaps were quite relieved when Monday morning came and they could head out to work. They were less relieved when Snow White announced that she was coming with them. ‘Erm… what?’ asked Doc.

‘I’m coming too,’ she repeated.


‘I can work doing what you boys do. I sure as Hell am not going to sit around darning your socks and cleaning up after you pigs!’

‘No, I know, we agreed that you wouldn’t be our maid, Princess, but surely you can stay home and read or do something else? You don’t have to come down a mine with us!’

‘What? Because I’m a pretty little princess I have to sit around like a lady of leisure?! I can mine! I can mine just as good as any of you seven – especially Sleepy and Dopey!’

Doc made to speak but Grumpy beat him to it, ‘Ah just let her. She’ll end up coming anyway so we may as well save the fucking battle.’

‘But, Princess,’ Doc added sensibly, ‘you don’t have any mining clothes. You only have your pretty dress which is most impractical.’

‘It’s ok. I borrowed one of yours. It fits a treat, look.’ She stood up from the breakfast table to reveal an outfit with some very half mast trouser legs and cropped sleeves. Very modern.

‘Ok… well, that’s that then… I guess you’re coming down the pit… Princess…’ Doc stuttered in disbelief. Happy clapped and danced about giddily.

And so that is how they lived, every day Snow White going down the pit with them mining for diamonds. The gents tried to teach her the songs that they would sing about working to get them through the day, but it turned out that Snow White was not a huge fan of singing. When they encouraged her to join in they learned why. ‘She sounds like a bag of cats that’s been set alight,’ winced Grumpy. Sadly, once Snow White’s inner diva had been released, it was difficult to restrain it once more and she even started to write her own ditties. ‘She can’t even fucking rhyme properly!’ exclaimed Grumpy. So terrible was it, that sometimes even Sleepy stayed awake!