When the seven dwarves arrived home they found Snow White’s beautiful body lying in the doorway. Having such white skin it wasn’t possible for her to look any paler, but they all agreed that her lips were perhaps a little less ruby. Grumpy tapped her gently with his toe; the princess didn’t stir. Doc rolled her onto her back, revealing the part digested Apple on her dress and vomit on her cheek. They all gasped. Happy also gipped jollily for he had a weak stomach. ‘Oh princess!’ exclaimed Doc, ‘What’s happened?’ The little men all crowded round her, hugging her and sobbing. They weren’t men of medicine and therefore none of them bothered to check for a pulse or breathing, but they knew that Snow White had left them.
For some reason the men chose to build the princess a glass coffin, so that they could continue to admire her splendour even in death. Even with their lack of knowledge of microbes, one would have thought they’d have noticed the the horrors in their kitchen whenever they left out a slab of meat for too long, but no, they had no concerns over the pungent decay that would likely commence shortly.
But wait! Snow White did not decay! Instead, her radiant beauty flowed from within the glass coffin and the gentlemen paid their respects and lay flowers and lit candles twice a day, sometimes more. Except for Grumpy; he wasn’t that arsed. ‘At least we get some peace,’ he offered in comfort.
The chaps sent word into the kingdom that Snow White was really truly dead, and loyal subjects came to mourn their beloved princess finally.
Word spread far and wide about the beautiful princess in the glass coffin who was not rotting away. Legions of people came from neighbouring kingdoms to also pay their respects, for each King and Queen had hoped that their own prince may have been able to win the hand of the most beautiful princess during her life.
One day the most handsome prince of all arrived to mourn. He looked upon Snow White, beautiful as though in sleep, and was overcome with primal urge. He lifted the glass lid from the coffin and gazed down at Snow White’s perfect eye lids and cherry red lips. Like a revolting necrophiliac with no boundaries at all he leaned in to plant a non-consensual kiss on the princess’s perfect pout. He was shocked to find that even after some time they were still warm, and he slipped her the tongue.
Snow White stirred. Her eyelids fluttered. Her breathing quickened. She shoved the handsome prince hard in his chest. ‘Ere!’ she yelled. ‘What on earth do you think you’re doing, you big rapey bastard?!’ The handsome prince’s jaw fell open in shock. ‘You see a sleeping woman and you think it’s ok to force yourself on her? I’ll bet you can’t wait for pharmaceuticals to aid your disregard for consciousness to be invented can you? Eh? Eh?!’ The handsome prince was struck dumb for he had never seen a talking corpse before. Snow White had sat herself upright so that she could better examine her assaulter.
‘I’m sorry Your Highness, I thought you were… dead,’ explained the prince, aghast.
‘And that’s better is it?!’ screeched the princess. ‘Better to stick your tongue down a corpse’s throat is it?! You sick bastard!’ She called Doc over. ‘Doc, I am judging each and every one of you boys for allowing this to happen in your presence. However, I know it is difficult to argue with a prince.’ She turned and glared at the handsome prince, ‘Even when he is a giant rapey pervert!’ She turned back to Doc. ‘I trust you the most to fetch the palace guards. Not from my kingdom of course, the Wicked Queen would never allow it, but from a neighbouring kingdom. A just and good kingdom. Not his kingdom,’ she spat the word ‘his’ as she glanced at the shamed prince. ‘The guards and him will help me storm the palace walls, defeat the Wicked Queen, and take back my kingdom.’ The handsome prince looked concerned. ‘Do this and I shall consider not having you executed in the most terrible way, you peverted shit.’
‘Of course, Your Highness. Anything to help a beautiful princess such as you,’ the handsome prince snivelled.
‘Get bent,’ said Snow White bluntly.
‘But princess,’ asked Happy, ‘why are you so intent on defeating that lovely Wicked Queen now? Why not sooner?’
‘Good question, Happy. You see, the Wicked Queen tried to have the Royal Huntsman kill me, but I got away and that’s how I came to live with you boys.’ The crowd of mourners gasped at this revelation. ‘An old hag fed me an apple, which I should have known better than to eat because she really did look grubby. I think she put me in some sort of trance! Anyway, I ate the apple and it was poisoned! Fortunately she must have got the concentrations wrong as rather than kill me, it just put me into a very deep sleep. But not before I heard my stepmother’s wicked laugh. I’d recognise it anywhere! So that’s twice she’s tried to kill me! That is one too many times!
‘On a side note, who the frick puts a dead body into a glass coffin? It was like a bloody greenhouse! Whose idea was that?!’ Six stubby fingers pointed at Dopey. Snow White looked exasperated. They should know better than to listen to Dopey’s suggestions! ‘It’s a wonder I’m not dead! I must have sweated half my weight. Feel how wet my dress is, feel it! It’s sodden!’ Seven bearded faces shook their heads grimacing. ‘Did no one think to check on me? Fetch a doctor? No?!’ Seven sets of little toes kicked the earth whilst seven little men looked down at them. ‘I must be frightfully dehydrated! How long have I been asleep for?’
‘Almost two weeks, princess,’ replied Doc.
‘Yes. Well I can tell. My mouth feels like the Sahara and I’m bloody starving! I’m lucky I had the strength to push off that perverted Prince! Thank goodness I had no muscle wastage and didn’t develop a terrible pneumonia from all that lying down I was doing!’ The seven men knew this was yet another dig at their carelessness.
‘To be fair, princess, you did look pretty dead,’ interjected Grumpy.
‘Look at me! I always look pretty dead!’ came the screechy reply. The whole crowd nodded enthusiastically in agreement.